For instance...

Matthew Norman. Probably looks like quite a normal bloke. Probably has a wife, kids, and even a dog. Probably has never lived in squalid love triangle with the wife of his first born and his first love, almost certainly has not published a body of poetry or indeed been responsible for A Child's Christmas in Wales being read out at every sodding Christmas concert. So why oh why does he have to sully his otherwise blamelessly boring reputation by giving The No 1 Cafe in Dalgarno Gardens 9/10 marks in his restaurant column in the Guardian? Why do that? What kind of restaurant critic wants to advertise our local restaurant to the socks and sandals brigade - the cheap socks and sandals brigade at that? Why spoil it for us?

Doesn't he realise that he is abusing his position of authority? I never did that when I wrote for the FT. No siree - I never recommended anywhere.

I see that Tim Dowling walking his son and his cute, loping dog round the Little Scrubs, I bet you he brought him into the area, showing off in his Guardianish ways, giving away the secret of our great little Thai restaurant right next to the dog toilet, within earshot of gunfire from the local Peabody estate and where you can always get a table, even if you don't book - possibly due to the fact that the failed tube bomber left his haversack dumped in the park outside, and was then found living in a flat a hundred yards away.

How charmed we were when in holiday in Italy to watch the seige at the end of our road.

All I can say is my friend Amanda once left her car open while she was decanting the Sainsbury's shop from the boot at her house nearby and between dropping her bags on the kitchen floor and returning, the car had been stolen by some home-grown 14 year old hoodies and taken on a joy-ride. So I guess the publicity will at least help the local economy. They can steal all the Guardian readers' cars and leave our car radios alone.

Don't blame me if you find your car on bricks when you finish your authentic Thai meal.