I’m away from my desk.
Should you wish to contact me urgently during my absence please refer first to these FAQ:
1. There is no paper.
Yes there is.
2. There are no lightbulbs.
You’re right.
3. The photocopier isn’t working.
Too bad, huh?
4. You want a lift home (and you are a family member).
No.
5. You want a lift home (and you are not a family member, but suddenly have a pressing desire to see me on the night you arrive back from Heathrow).
Damn, no.
6. You want to submit your unsolicited autobiography of approx 120,000 words.
You can’t.
7. It has been six months since you sent in your unsolicited autobiography of approx 120,000 words and you haven’t heard back yet.
Consider the possibility that it’s a no, then.
8. It has been six months since you sent in your unsolicited autobiography of approx 120,000 words and you haven’t heard back yet, so now you want to complain.
Call my ex-husband, my sister, my former friend Laura, my ex-lover’s wife or the marketing consultant from Barking with whom I unwisely went on a date, all of whom would be only too pleased to add their own, very personal, comments on my shortcomings.
Alternatively, you can wait and I will deal with your emails when I get back, along with 2,000 offers of fake Rolexes, pharmacy assured Vicodin, Viagra and Regaine (at massive discounts), and ways to increase my size, girth and popularity.
Clearly, only the last is pertinent.
Meanwhile, dear callers, I will be in Morocco, going forward into the past.
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