We get a lot of requests from readers to replace faulty or misprinted books which, in some cases, we try to do, though in most, we refer readers back to their original vendor. Especially if they live in South Africa, or Melbourne.
Although we publish books here, we are not a bookseller. We sell books to those exalted and endangered glorious palaces of retail, when they are gracious enough to agree to select them for their shelves, and they in turn, resell them to the public. That's why they are called Booksellers and we are called Publishers. It's like buying a blouse in Harvey Nicks that was designed and produced by Paul Smith - if a seam splits you take it back to Harvey Nicks. They are the people who have your money.
Of course, for the sake of good customer care, especially where there's been a serious printing problem, we often do help, especially in the many cases where the book was purchased by a sister/brother/uncle and they've lost the receipt, but it's a long process as strangely enough we don't have that many books lying around the office and it can take a couple of weeks for them to arrive from the warehouse. However, there are exceptions:
Ring Ring: 'Hello, can I speak to the Sales Department?'
New, polite sales assistant: 'Yes, can I help you?'
'I'm calling about the White Tiger...'
'Yes.'
'My copy has just fallen apart and I would like you to replace it.'
'Oh, I'm terribly sorry to hear that. You should really return it to the bookshop. Where did you buy it from?'
'Actually I didn't buy it.'
'Oh, was it a gift? In that case you should ask them where they purchased it and take it back.'
'No it wasn't a gift.'
(Thinks: What did you do? Find it lying on the street...?)
'Actually it's a library book.'
'I see.' (He doesn't.)
'Well, I took it on holiday with me and I was sitting by the pool and it just fell apart.'
'Mmm...'
'So I need you to send me a new copy.'
'But it's not your book, it's a library book.'
'Yes, but, I told you - it fell apart, and now the library want me to replace it.'
'I don't understand why you think we should send you the replacement copy - the book belongs to the library not you. They need to contact their retailer who can replace it if they think it's appropriate.'
'But it fell apart when I took it on holiday with me to Dubai.'
'Ah, to Dubai...'
'And I don't see why I should replace it, as it was obviously faulty.'
'But we're talking about a library book - it's not a new book. Many people may already have borrowed it and read it - this could be the reason it disintegrated (not to mention heat, sand, seawater, chlorine, sun-tan oil, fake Designer handbags, Burberry gallabiyas, being crammed into a suitcase and carried across two continents because you are too mean to go to WH Smiths Travel and buy a book like the rest of the holidaying public on your way to Dubai - a ticket to which exotic place - may I point out, will cost you quite a bit more than an airport paperback) and so we cannot replace it. In any case, it isn't your book.'
'But then this means they are going to charge me for a replacement.'
'I'm sorry, but I'm afraid we can't help. If the library want to get in touch their supplier we can credit them, but we can't credit you.'
end
To summarise. If your library book falls apart when you are sunning yourself on a beach in Dubai, it is not our fault. We are sitting in rain drenched London after walking to work in the middle of a tube strike. We are not sympathetic.
